SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I’VE LOST MOST OF MY INNER-CONFIDENCE.
I feel like I can’t decide what I want to do all the time. I make it confusing to walk, talk, eat, stand.. anything. I feel like I get more and more awkward each and every day. I think (pretty sure) that’s the reason why I have been so cooped up inside my house for the past two or three years. Not to mention the two years I spent with some stupid guy who just completely lied to me all that time. It wasn’t like he was cheating on me or anything, it was more just like compulsive lying. I had this whole different idea about him, his friends, his family, and anyone I have ever met through him. Then I find out several months later after breaking up and finally deciding to go out that he made up about a million lies about me to his friends and another million about his friends to me. It was just compulsive lying. Lying that wasn’t necessary. I don’t understand it. How could someone do that to a person? Someone who trusted you for so long.. and then in the end say every possible thing you could say to just deteriorate them.
I can honestly say that I haven’t been the same since before I graduated high school, I don’t know if I ever can be, which makes me really sad. I’m tired of caring what people think of me. It’s not like I am trying to impress anyone, I just don’t want anyone to be mad at me the way he was. I am tired of over-analyzing anything I do or say, which is exactly what he did with anything I did; my family, the people I hung out with, the music I listened to, my political views, my intelligence, etc. I’m so sick of it. He ruined my life in a way. He really really did and I wish I could tell him that. He hurt me so much. Because of him, I don’t feel like I am who I am. The funniest thing was that the entire time he still lived here, he tried to make me feel like I ruined his life and that I was the biggest bitch on this planet.
I wish I could talk to someone about this. I’ve never talked to anyone about my personal things, I’m scared of people seeing me cry. I can’t remember if any of my friends have seen me cry. So, to my friends who I haven’t seen in a long time, I’m sorry. I’m scared that I will go out somewhere with someone and not be able to say anything. I think “Well if I want to hang out with this person, what would I talk about to this person?” I panic and can’t think of anything.
